I'm not sure if that is the right 'bear', but oh well. I'm warning you, I have a lot on my mind and I'm going to word vomit it on this page. I will more than likely go from topic to topic and back again, so I hope you can follow. Here we go.
I wrote a status on facebook the other day that had to do with me realizing and finding out who I am. It's great that I am figuring this all out, but I have the obsession with trying to figure out the magical question of "why". Why am I like this? Why do I do this? Why does it matter?.
I get attached easily. I get attached to a lot of different things easily. People. I get attached to people. I have lots of friendships and great ones at that. I have a huge heart and will do anything for almost anyone. I am a type of person that will immediately be a friend with you, and will continue to be a friend until something happeneds and my trust is lost. I again take this personally (attached) and then try to figure out why the trust was lost and then think about if it was me and if I should change....most of the time I do not think it is me and my friends that get to listen to me talk about it say the same. Still, I try to figure out the why. I hardly ever figure out the why.
Then I have the issue with getting attched to someone and when they leave, I cry temendously and feel like something in me died or is missing. It's almost like we have "broken up" in a relationship way (I know..weird). Now why on earth am I like this? I get a friend/coworker whatever that is wonderful etc and things change!! It happens. I have a hard time with that. The psychology part of my brain says I hate and have a hard time with loss, or loosing things. Hence how I feel about two particular situations in my life right now. I feel like I am loosing something. Then my brain thinks, why on earth are you thinking this? Here's my answer. I am afraid of loosing people and friendships. I feel this comes back to when my Dad passsed and "loosing" him. I do not want to loose people, so therefore I get way attached, do anything and everything for them and feel like I am when things change. Does that make sense? I'm not sure either. I almost think that the more I get attached the more they wont leave. Am I really loosing anything? Not really! I just wont see them as much as I do now. Hummm. I think it is a security thing also.
I do have to say that these situations are helping me with change, and that it is ok to venture out outside my comfort zone (Security) and embrace change. I also need to realize that things do not stay the same forever, even if we want them too.
The unknown. I hate not knowing what is going to happen in the future. Now I know we will never know everything that will happen in the future but I at least need to know a forsure in something. (security as mentioned before.) One big unknown, jobs. OMG We both have jobs but are looking for better more 'secure' (again...) jobs. This then leads to the unknown as to where those jobs will be. Ugg. Which also leads to living situations (I'm sooooooo sick of it here and this could be a whole nother point later) Do we rent again, do we buy, do we do this, do we do that........BLAH!!!! I know we will figure it out but goodness I want some normalacy in my life!!!! oh and did I mention we have moved a total of 4 times in the 3 years we have been together. I have paid for plenty of pot holes to be fixed by changing my license an ungodly amount of times (got a new last name in there too). I want to change it one more time..thats it....but I doubt that will happen.
Emotions. I swear to God that my emotions are getting worse and worse as this deployment goes on. I feel as though I should be preggo with all the emotions that I have. (I'm not though, just to clarify). I cry at anything lately, and then 30 min later cry again because of it. For NO REASON. I feel that I am just done with so many things. And its retarted things that make me cry. So retarded that I shall just not mention them. As said before there are so many things I am just done with. Sad thing is, some of those things other people just don't get.
People. There are some people that I just do not get. There are some things some people just need to get over and grow up. (I may offend people here and I'm sorry) I hate when people complain but then do nothing about it. I hate when people complain about having to do/pay for something that I have been paying for since I was 16 or before and they are way older than me. I hate how some people are handed EVERYTHING in life and have no gratitude for it, while others have worked tiredlessly for what they have. Sorry no sympathy for me. I could go on, I think its best I stop. No need to get myself into trouble.
hugs. I am a very huggy person. I like hugs. I like to give hugs. I like to recieve hugs. I think, again, its a security and comfort thing. I'm also a touchy person. When talking to someone, I always end up touching them on the arm or something...I should work on that...hummmm...
So, I sit here and ponder how I can change myself. How can I become less attached to people, or learn to not care. I don't think I will be able to change it, because that is who I am. I just think I need to understand that there are things in life that I just can not control and that change happens.
On a happy note, I did go to a wedding yesterday and got to see some awesome high school friends that I haven't seen since my wedding. And yes, I am attached to these people and would still do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING for them!! Oh and I hugged them all too. See??
I know its blurry, but this is my friend Joe who got married yesterday!
